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issue no. 1, winter 2000–2001
outsiders & community


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The Jar by the Door

by Vera Djordjevich

[continued from February 11]

The day of the workshop, Laura found herself in the lobby of an elementary school. The woman at The Workshop Studio had given her only the building's street address. She said the room number would be posted in the hall. Laura skimmed over various flyers taped to a white column. According to a hand-written sign, the Advanced Poetry Seminar was meeting in Room 216. A similarly simple and unobtrusive flyer announced the location of the Ceramics Workshop on the third floor. Then, on a huge piece of poster board tacked onto the wall, in red block letters that must have been a foot high, a sign directed those looking for the Suddenly Single Workshop to Room 314.

Laura cringed. As she stood in the middle of the hall, wondering whether she could still get her money back, a man entered the building behind her. She fumbled in her purse as if trying to find her lipstick. Oh no, maybe he's in my class. He smiled as he approached and asked, "You here for poetry, too?"

"Hmm? No," she answered. "Not poetry." She glanced up at his profile. He was blond, with pale freckles sprinkled over sharp cheekbones, and casually elegant in a black turtleneck and slacks. Of course he'd be there for poetry.

He scanned the flyers. "Ah, there I am, second floor. Which class do you need?"

Laura hesitated only an instant. "Ceramics," she said.

"Another artist," he smiled. "Looks like you're on the third floor." He glanced at his watch. "Are you going up? Don't want to be late for class on the first day."

Laura nodded. She felt his eyes on her as she as he followed her up the stairs. She was glad she had chosen the fawn skirt over her jeans that morning, although its snug fit did slow her progress as she carefully maneuvered her way up the steps, fearful of over-stretching a seam or tripping up a stair.

"Well," he paused on the second floor landing, "enjoy your class."

"Yes." She offered a small smile. "You too."

At least her workshop wasn't on the same floor as his. Wouldn't that have been embarrassing. Now when she saw him again she'd have to pretend she was really taking ceramics. She frowned as she walked up the next flight of stairs. Why couldn't they have called her class something less obvious, less humiliating? They might as well have announced over the school intercom, All Losers Proceed to the Third Floor.

Laura paused in the open door of Room 314. Several tables had been pushed against walls that were decorated with crayoned artwork: long-armed parents standing crookedly next to smiling children, scribbled yellow suns, and four-legged creatures that could have been cats or dogs but looked like neither. In the center of the room six people sat on folding chairs that had been arranged in a lopsided circle. They looked up as she entered.

She set her bag and coat down on a table near the door and scanned the faces of those who were to be her fellow classmates for the next ten weeks. Oh my God, she thought. What am I doing here?

An enormous woman, whose bulk hung over the sides of her gray metal chair, smiled shyly at Laura from across the room. To her left sat somebody's mother in dark-rimmed glasses with what looked suspiciously like a knitting bag on the floor beside her. On the other side of the circle a dumpy little man slumped in his seat with a forlorn expression that would have been more becoming on a child lost in a shopping mall than a middle-aged man in a singles workshop. Laura's eyes flicked back towards the door where they briefly caught the unsmiling gaze of a carefully made-up woman in a beige suit with a neckline so low that Laura saw she wasn't the only person in the room wearing a Wonderbra.

At the head of the classroom, a tall skinny man perched in his chair. With his untrimmed beard and wiry brown hair, he looked like one of the naturalists from Laura's junior high outdoor camp. She assumed he was the workshop leader, for he nodded encouragingly in her direction and said, "Please, take a seat. We'll get started in a moment."

Laura hesitated and then sat on the edge of a chair next to a man dressed in a navy blue suit and yellow silk tie. His face was the color of pumpkin pie and his graying hair was carefully combed back and held in place with some styling product.

Some of the dismay she felt must have shown in her expression, for the salon-tanned man turned to her. "I know," he said. "It's a bit embarrassing to be here, isn't it?"

She made a small movement with her mouth that could be taken as either a smile or a grimace.

"I'm Ray," he said and stuck out his hand.

She considered making up a name but figured the instructor would have a list of those who'd signed up and she'd get caught in her lie.

"Um, Laura," she answered as she shook his hand.

"Nice to meet you, Laura." He leaned toward her, her hand still in his, and said in a conspiratorial voice, "Looks like we may be the best of the bunch. We'll have to stick together." He smiled again, and as she retrieved her hand and recoiled from his too-close face, she was struck with how the white of his teeth matched exactly the white of his shirt. She wondered if he bleached them both.

Laura looked around waiting, hoping, for others to join them. After a few minutes, during which an old man in a suit and a pair of worn tennis shoes shuffled in and sat on Laura's right, the naturalist-leader closed the door and suggested they get started by having each person tell the group about themself, including why they were there and what they hoped to achieve over the next couple of months.

Two months, Laura thought. There's no way.

The instructor started them off by saying his name was Max, he had a master's degree in social work and had been a workshop leader for the last two years. While he spoke, his eyes were focused on the legs of a chair across the room. Laura followed his glance to see what he was staring at, but the chair was empty.

Then he turned to the feet of the knitting lady and said, "Please, now, tell us a little about yourself."

Laura noticed the woman's neck redden above the collar of her blouse as she told them her name was Anna, she'd been married for fifteen years until her divorce eight months ago. She said she wanted to stop feeling angry and move on to the next stage, of acceptance. Max nodded his approval. When she added that her children had encouraged her to get out and date again, a few people smiled.

As the other members droned on about their lives, Laura found herself tuning out while she planned what to say when it came to her turn.

Just keep it simple and short, Laura told herself. They don't need to know anything more than that you and your boyfriend split up. She didn't even want to tell them that much, but she had to give some reason for being there. Maybe she should just get up and leave, saying she'd walked into the wrong classroom, she thought this was ceramics. She considered announcing that she was a graduate student in psychology, doing research for her thesis, but was afraid she wouldn't be able to keep a straight face.

Laura's bright-toothed neighbor Ray took the floor, informing them that he was a defense attorney, divorced for too long and tired of meeting women in bars. "So, while you can't technically call me suddenly single, anyway I'm still single." One of the women laughed.

The class turned expectant faces towards Laura. "I'm Laura. My boyfriend and I broke up after being together three years and I'm just here to deal with the adjustment period." She looked at the old man on her right to indicate that she had finished.

Max held up his hand. "And how long ago was this, that you two split up?"

Unprepared for his question, she flushed. "Oh, not long."

She knew that sounded evasive, but how could she tell these people it had been nearly a year?

Max raised his eyebrows, but all he said was "Okay," as he nodded to the old man.

Laura found herself glancing down more and more frequently at her watch; she'd been in the room almost an hour—and there was still another hour to go. She'd never make it. Once Max had given his touchy-feely spiel that sounded like another catalog description, the group opened up to individual "sharing." Laura sat in mostly frustrated silence, tapping her foot impatiently when little Carl went on ad nauseum about his ex-wife.

"You ever go to the Lighthouse?" She felt a rush of minty breath in her ear.

Laura pulled her head back. "Excuse me?"

"It's a club downtown," the lawyer next to her said. "I go there sometimes. They've got dance music on Fridays."

"Oh."

Meanwhile, Carl continued to complain in a gratingly whiny voice that his wife had left him two years ago, even though he knew they were right for each other, and now she wouldn't return his phone calls. "It's been very difficult for me," he concluded, glancing around the room and then staring at his feet, nearly invisible beneath the cuffs of his gray pants.

"Maybe you shouldn't call her any more," Laura commented. A practical suggestion, she thought, but one poorly received by Carl and ignored by the rest of the group, which asked only how long Carl had been married, what reason his wife had given for leaving, and whether he had tried writing her a letter explaining his feelings.

"I've found that very helpful in the past," Max said.

By the time the fat woman had the floor, Laura was sick of all the pathetic outpouring of pseudo-sympathy. No one wanted to say anything difficult or honest. As if clucking and cooing were going to help any of these people.

Joy told the group how her husband had left her after she'd put on "a little weight." When she revealed tearfully that the amount was actually 128 pounds, her neighbor Anna laid a vein-riddled hand along her fleshy shoulder: "Oh, honey, it's okay."

Joy lamented, "But I'm still the same person inside. How could he just stop loving me?"

"Oh, well, he probably never loved you," Laura muttered. Some of the class turned their solicitous expressions from Joy to Laura.

Laura continued more loudly, "When you gained weight, it was just a convenient excuse. It gave him an out, a nice, legitimate reason to leave. He probably would have found another one eventually, even if you didn't—well, he probably would have left anyway."

The room fell silent, and Laura saw a large tear pool in the swollen pouch of skin beneath Joy's right eye. She looked away.

"That's not a very nice thing to say, Laura." This, from the prowling lawyer with the hair-sprayed head.

"Yes, just because your boyfriend never loved you doesn't mean Joy's husband didn't love her."

Laura peered around Ray to see the last speaker, the Wonderbra woman whose name she'd missed and who looked exactly like what she was: someone who worked behind the perfume counter at a department store.

"Well," she answered, "if it makes Joy feel better to think that Rick was madly in love with her until she ate up the refrigerator, then all she needs to do is lose 150 pounds and he'll come running back."

Laura heard Joy's intake of breath. From across the room, Anna glared through her thick lenses and tightened her grip on Joy's arm.

Laura sighed, frustrated. Now she felt bad, especially since it was the saleswoman who had provoked her, not Joy. But when the lawyer pointedly crossed his leg away from Laura, toward his pushed-up neighbor, Laura felt annoyed again.

She knew she should apologize to Joy, and she was sorry for her comment—especially since she had tacked on an extra few pounds to Joy's weight; but somehow the circle of disapproving faces, clearly awaiting an apology, made her not want to give it.

Max cleared his throat and glanced briefly at Laura's face before focusing on her knees: "You know, Laura, your hostility toward Joy and the rest of the group is not very productive. Not to say unkind. I think perhaps you should take some time, get some perspective. Then, if you feel like making a more positive contribution to this workshop, you'll be welcome to return next week."

"Fine with me," Laura said as she stood up. The chair made an ugly scraping sound as she pushed it back to leave the circle.

I can't believe I actually came to this thing anyway. She grabbed her things from the table. She could feel tears gathering behind her lids and kept her eyes on the ground as she moved to the door. She knew they were only tears of frustration, but she didn't want the class to misinterpret.

The old man must have risen silently in his soft-soled shoes, for suddenly he was next to her, his bony hand on her arm as she opened the door. She noticed a small patch of white stubble on one side of his chin.

"You know, in fifty years, my wife never had a mean word to say to anybody." He shook his head and repeated, "Fifty years."

Yeah, and where is she now? Laura bit back her retort.

She removed her arm from the old man's grip and left the room. As she headed down the hall, she dried her cheeks with the back of her hand and breathed deeply. Great, she thought. Now I've been rejected by Losers Anonymous.

In the stairwell, Laura pulled out a compact to check her make-up. The oversized face staring out at her from the small round mirror brought a grimace of disgust. As she glared back, a thin trickle of water ran down the side of her nose. She blinked and a drop hovered on the end of her lashes. Self-pity, John once told her, is not your most attractive quality.

Laura scrunched her eyes tight and opened them again.

Maybe not, she had answered, but you don't hear me complaining about your crooked teeth, even though they're obviously not your best feature. When John closed his mouth and left the room, she'd felt both a sudden, sharp pang of remorse and a rush of satisfaction.

Laura pulled a lint-covered tissue from her coat pocket to rub at the mascara that had collected under her eyes. She sniffled, closed the compact, and continued downstairs.

Outside she paused. She looked at her watch and then up the block. Instead of starting for the subway, she lowered herself onto the front step and watched the homeward-bound commuters pass by—until a dark-haired man with a briefcase glanced her way, reminding her of the Austen-loving lawyer who'd never phoned again.

Laura sighed and rose slowly, using the handrail to pull herself up. She reached a hand behind her to brush the gravel off her skirt. It struck her that now, without the workshop, she'd have seen the last of the turtlenecked poet. Unless, of course, she came back to join the ceramics group.

The thought made her smile wryly, and she wished she had someone with whom to share it. She walked slowly down the block toward the train, not particularly eager to begin the trek back to her apartment. At the corner, she paused and looked again at her watch. The liquor store near her home would be closed but she could pick up a six-pack across the street. She considered whom she could call to recount her evening; she would title it Eleanor Rigby Meets the Far Side. She smiled, wishing she'd exited on a wittier line. Well, never mind, something clever would come to her on the ride home.



Vera Djordjevich is an editor at On the Page.

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